Is this what they call turning a new leaf?

I did it. I finally admitted the extent of my discouragement with regard to the piano.

I came to DU with confidence that I would succeed. Confidence that I would be inspired musically, and that I would work toward meeting my potential. My instructor, however, was the opposite of an inspiration to me, and I slowly began to lower my head down into my shell to hide. I performed in performance class when necessary, but began to play more in ensembles and spend time accompanying. I so enjoyed collaborative playing, but progressively became more and more intimidated my the musicianship I was surrounded by, and grew less and less confident in my musicianship.

My family always supported my music, as did many of my friends. But I didn't allow my doubt to become visible, I instead found ways to disguise it.

Finally, I changed my major. I don't regret it for a second, but am now coming to realize that I wanted out of performance. I was scared. I didn't think I was good enough. Good enough to play church music and accompany choirs, maybe, but not good enough to remain alongside my peers at the music school. I performed a non-required recital, playing only one piece from memory, and half of the recital on an entirely different instrument (feeling more confident in my performance on it than on the piano). Then, I stepped away. I occasionally play at my parent's when I visit, and with my brother who is so diligently learning, but little beyond that.

Today, however, I sat back down at the piano with my familiar Chopin pages staring back at me. It felt good to play. It didn't matter whether it was perfect, because there were no elite musicians breathing down my neck. No one to tell me that it's good enough for someone who isn't pursuing a career in music. No one to judge... And then, Kelly called on Skype to listen to me play. He really listened. He listened to and saw my heart. He is a phenomenal musician and as such has every right to critique--but he had not a single negative or hurtful word. After dragging his roommates in to watch how fast my little fingers move, he began to daydream aloud. He asked if I have interest in pursuing a masters in piano performance. I have not told a soul, but it is a dream of mine to do so. I want to finish a music degree the right way, and to feel respected as a musician.

So kindly, he reminded of his words before I began student teaching: that I am and was first a pianist, then a teacher. His confidence in me as a musician is something I have never experienced. Call me needy, but if at some point in the last four years, someone had told me that I am enough of a musician to achieve my goal and succeed beyond hymns and vocal rep, I may have climbed back out of my shell. Perhaps others assumed that I knew....I really didn't. I was easy to work with, and rarely said no, so I figured people always settled for my playing because I was easy to book. I lacked so much confidence, and it grew worse as time went on.

I love music more than a lot of things in this world. Dad can get over it if I don't go to law school or get my PhD right away. I need to do this right. I respect myself as a musician, and though it may be a little late in the game, I am beginning to realize that I can hold my own in the music community in this city and I refuse to end my musical journey here.

Thank you, Kelly, for your inspiration and encouragement. Thank you for so passionately wanting what is best for my heart.