Prayin' and Playin'

Pray. Eat. Chat. Pray. Play. Swim. Eat. Play.

What a perfect day.

Is this what they call turning a new leaf?

I did it. I finally admitted the extent of my discouragement with regard to the piano.

I came to DU with confidence that I would succeed. Confidence that I would be inspired musically, and that I would work toward meeting my potential. My instructor, however, was the opposite of an inspiration to me, and I slowly began to lower my head down into my shell to hide. I performed in performance class when necessary, but began to play more in ensembles and spend time accompanying. I so enjoyed collaborative playing, but progressively became more and more intimidated my the musicianship I was surrounded by, and grew less and less confident in my musicianship.

My family always supported my music, as did many of my friends. But I didn't allow my doubt to become visible, I instead found ways to disguise it.

Finally, I changed my major. I don't regret it for a second, but am now coming to realize that I wanted out of performance. I was scared. I didn't think I was good enough. Good enough to play church music and accompany choirs, maybe, but not good enough to remain alongside my peers at the music school. I performed a non-required recital, playing only one piece from memory, and half of the recital on an entirely different instrument (feeling more confident in my performance on it than on the piano). Then, I stepped away. I occasionally play at my parent's when I visit, and with my brother who is so diligently learning, but little beyond that.

Today, however, I sat back down at the piano with my familiar Chopin pages staring back at me. It felt good to play. It didn't matter whether it was perfect, because there were no elite musicians breathing down my neck. No one to tell me that it's good enough for someone who isn't pursuing a career in music. No one to judge... And then, Kelly called on Skype to listen to me play. He really listened. He listened to and saw my heart. He is a phenomenal musician and as such has every right to critique--but he had not a single negative or hurtful word. After dragging his roommates in to watch how fast my little fingers move, he began to daydream aloud. He asked if I have interest in pursuing a masters in piano performance. I have not told a soul, but it is a dream of mine to do so. I want to finish a music degree the right way, and to feel respected as a musician.

So kindly, he reminded of his words before I began student teaching: that I am and was first a pianist, then a teacher. His confidence in me as a musician is something I have never experienced. Call me needy, but if at some point in the last four years, someone had told me that I am enough of a musician to achieve my goal and succeed beyond hymns and vocal rep, I may have climbed back out of my shell. Perhaps others assumed that I knew....I really didn't. I was easy to work with, and rarely said no, so I figured people always settled for my playing because I was easy to book. I lacked so much confidence, and it grew worse as time went on.

I love music more than a lot of things in this world. Dad can get over it if I don't go to law school or get my PhD right away. I need to do this right. I respect myself as a musician, and though it may be a little late in the game, I am beginning to realize that I can hold my own in the music community in this city and I refuse to end my musical journey here.

Thank you, Kelly, for your inspiration and encouragement. Thank you for so passionately wanting what is best for my heart.

T

Remember her? Yeah, she's the one that caught "Snakey" a couple months back.

It has been a trying weekend, and I woke up this morning to the hurt knocking my head right back onto the pillow, unwilling to move. Then, I remembered that this morning was sweet Tatum's first swim meet. So, I popped out of bed and got my hind quarters over there. It was chilly, but so good to be amidst so much laughter and innocence.

This is literally the tip of the ice berg in terms of how much she and her family have been supporting my heart, but is so significant in its own right. This little lady keeps a smile on my face.

(Yesterday's lesson wasn't very formal. Hee.)

Notice that the other lanes are empty? Yeah, that's because she's smoking everyone.

Frog kick.

So precious. Yep.

Take a Listen

Kel recently recorded this in the sweltering sauna that is Fort Drum's music hall:

Thoughts of You

I have not the words to express how much he continues to amaze me.

Really?

So, you know the people that stand outside the grocery store taking signatures for their petitions? My mom recently informed me that they are paid per signature--interesting, eh? Well, my interaction with one such man today went a little something like this:

Him: Hi ma'm, are you a voter?

Me: Not here.

Him: Damn.

(A slight pause as I walk toward the store entrance.)

Him: Well, are you married?

Me: No.

Him: Hooked up?

Me: (Giggle) I am very much spoken for.

Him: Damn.

(I walk in the store, complete my purchase, and am on my way back to my car.)

Him: Well, I'll catch you on the rebound.

Not so appropriate, strange man who is two decades older than me. Thanks for shopping.

How would you have responded?

Roots

From drama to giggles and from flat bellies to very round ones, we had an amazing time with our family this week. What an amazing group of selfless and forgiving individuals who desire nothing more than to simply love :).

Grandma Bell: Confused, but animated and in rare form. Still kickin!

Grandma: I am convinced, has the world's biggest heart and the world's most exhausted feet.

Ashley: Kept Kasia and I sane, and went to every effort (regardless of whether or not she wanted to) to be of great help and to be involved.

Mom: Always beautiful. It was such a treat to see her at home and in her element. She has such a servant's heart.

Mom's cousins: All came together and sang hyms and a WWII song--so stinkin' cute in their bonnets.

My cousins (on the swinging bridge): There are nine of us. We were ALL together this year, and all lent a helping hand because that's how we were raised, by golly! (There are three missing from this picture, in case you were counting.)

Jenny: Napped, so the rest of us didn't feel guilty for sneaking some shut-eye. She is officially the tallest of us all.

Kasia: The photographer/organizer/planner/best sister ever!

Austin (aka: Little Regan): I simply adore him.

Grandpa: He's been through so much over the last two months, and yet participated, fully in costume, not about to miss seeing his family all together.

Downtown Rockford: Who knew?

"Memory is an unmerciful thing sometimes."

Our Little Rooster

After another sleepless night, I finally fell asleep in the early morning hours. Looking forward to the fact that I have no morning obligations, I figured I would just sleep in until I was rested. What I did not take into consideration was the fact that I do indeed still live with a baby. So, no more than an hour after I fell asleep, Cameron's cockadoodle-doo wake up call came piercing through loud and clear!

(At least he's cute. Hee!)

Coffee is a delicious alternative.... :)