The Way I Am

Today I pulled an Austina. You know exactly what I'm talking about...

I mediated a situation that wasn't my crisis because I have a lot of heart invested in the people involved. A resolution (at least momentary) resulted.

This occurred between classes, meetings, and studying, and was heavy in weight.

Then, this evening, the piano lesson (from which I have been anticipating a check) I had scheduled was cancelled. I felt a wave of frustration because my commitment to this particular student is based majorly on the fact that I see a need in her for guidance and attention; a need that I have established enough trust to offer and somewhat meet.

I left class and headed in the opposite direction of my car, on a walk to decompress.

Kelly called.

Asking to hear my grievances from the day, he listened so intently to everything I said, but even more to all that was unsaid. Because he cares that much.

Then came his response. He proceeded to explain that so much of the reason that he is in love with me is based on the fact that I "pull Austinas." I continue to do such things because I know that it is good and right and so much of why I am here. He told me that "we (he and I) are detailed oriented, beautiful people who care way too much about stupid little shit. But the moment we stop doing what we know to be good and true is the moment we begin losing purpose. It is not our small perspective that matters, but God's." That is something worth trusting.

This is who I am. It is not a flaw. I find so much fulfillment in supplying needs (saturated with love) for others when I am called and able. The catch is understanding that they are whole as they are (the people)--not disposable, broken, or in need of fixing. I am just one, minute part of the journey, and as long as I can find peace in the fact that I am working according to God's plan, I need not grow weary.

I do not define myself according to my job, my studies, my location, my dreams, or even my relationships. But I do define myself as a creation here to do the will of one who is beyond all comprehension, and that means being true to who he created me to be--not who others think I should be. So, I will not change... I will just continue to grow.

Thank you, Kelly, for loving me.